Kallias' Mythology
by EmotionCalledBlood
Summary: What they don't teach you in your Classics course. The secret lives of the Greek gods laid out for your enjoyment.
1. Chapter 1

Long ago, in the far away land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes...

At the peak of the great Mount Olympus the children of Kronos and Rheia lived and celebrated their greatness with the denizens of heaven. One of the three mighty brothers, Poseidon of the sea, had been away from his seat for a great while. It was not like his fellow gods to worry for his well-being, as he could easily take care of himself, but alas, Dionysus' wine had been flowing late into the night and as the women of Olympus fell to the hands of Hypnos, they sneaked off to find their brother.

Mighty Zeus and the Lord Hades later found their brother hunched over a pile of braying earth. As they approached, the earth took form, and became a horse-like creature; stronger than those we know today and smaller than any the great Sea God would create after.

Hades beheld the creature and offered his brother his compliments: "And _what_ is that ugly wee thing supposed to be?" Mighty Zeus laughed at the Sea God's creation as its creator fumed with rage. Never had his work been so insulted. And by his own kin none the less!

Picking up the creature he presented it to his brother Hades.

"Here, it's an ass. It reminded me of you."

* * *

AN: More to come, little monsters. Cookies to those who get the reference (Well... maybe not cookies... ClosetCase is sick and does not appreciate the scent of cookies... or mention really). There will be many more.


	2. Chapter 2

I speak of dark-haired Hades and fair Persephone and their gift to divine Demeter.

T'was the Ides of March when the Host-to-Many was forced to give up his fair wife to the gods of Olympus. It was with great anguish that he bid his beloved farewell before Hermes' great chariot. Their embrace was sweet and tearful, the suspense of the next six months building before they had even begun.

Lord Hades pulled away from his beloved's sweet embrace and brushed crystal tears from her cheeks. "Do not weep, but go happily to your mother bearing this gift from me." Hades gave to Persephone a night dark box. "Do not open it, but bear it to fair-tressed Demeter with this letter."

With a final, honey-sweet embrace, slim-ankled Persephone ascended to Olympus to spend the growing season with bright-crowned Demeter. Fair daughter presented fertile mother with her husband's gift. Demeter opened dark Hades gift, bearing inside a small creature. She looked towards fair daughter for explanation. Demeter opened the accompanying letter:

_Dear sister Demeter,_

_ This is an ass, it reminds me of you._

_ Hades_

* * *

A/N: Could you guys possibly explain to us why you like this so much? The counter kept going up, and we kept getting confused. The Hufflepuff most of all. But that's her normal state of being, so we wouldn't read too much into it. Also, ClosetCase could use ideas. There's only so much her Classics professor can provide, even if he's unaware of this fact. The Hufflepuff says she doesn't get the joke. Maybe someone could explain it to her. _Water_ and ClosetCase can't talk normally enough right now to explain it. We blame the Faeries.

P.S. Just so's ya know, the first author's note was written by ClosetCase alone, that's why it sounds quasi-normal. This is what happens when you put the three of us together on a Saturday night. Well, not the chapter, it was written between history classes in a hallway. The author's note was written in _Water_'s bedroom. She thinks the author's note goes on longer than the story, she's probably right. ClosetCase and The Hufflepuff seem okay with this fact.

We should probably let you go. By the way, happy Steal Your Teammate's Pants Day in advance, just in case we don't post a new chapter by then. (Psst, it's on April 4th)


	3. Chapter 3

Fair lady Demeter stormed into the chamber of Lord Zeus, enraged at her brother's antics. "Dearest Lord Zeus, hast thou seen what our brother, our daughter's husband, has sent me?"

The lord of thunder chuckled. "He is upset, fair sister. He is very much in love with his wife. Now go, be glad your daughter has returned and grace the mortals with their harvest." With a wave of his mighty hand, Lord Zeus dismissed the lady of the harvest and left Mount Olympus to pass time at his temple in the land of Dodona.

After many weeks among his faithful admirers, mighty Lord Zeus returned to the home of the gods. His return was met with much jubilation and the gods declared a feast for the denizens of Mount Olympus. Wine flowed, songs sung, dances danced and when most of the mighty pantheon had drifted off to sleep, Lord Zeus took with him gentle Ganymede to his mighty throne room. Lord Zeus made his way towards his throne upon which a genteel note sat. He sent the fair cup-bearer to fetch him one more drink before opening the note and looking at the small braying thing on his throne.

_Dear brother Zeus,_

_Apparently this is an ass. Appropriate as it reminds me of you._

_Lady Demeter_

* * *

A/N: So we're all in different time zones now. This makes strange author's notes much more difficult than when we're all sitting in _Water's_ bedroom. We had saber-tooth lion moose related delays. It was an infestation! And you all know what THOSE are like. ClosetCase is wondering how she missed it. _Water_ doesn't know how ClosetCase missed it either. Saber-tooth lion moose problems are difficult to miss. The Hufflepuff actually did notice it (SHOCK. AMAZEMENT.) But was confused by it, as she is by most things but one day she will be able to understand. (Really!)

We're all working for the summer so time can be stretched a little thin what with our...summer... type... stuff to do. But by summer's end we should have this story updated along with some more wonderful, tasty fic morsels on the account. So, for the time being, Our fair readers can go about their lives without worry and we'll just go back to being us.


	4. Chapter 4

All of heaven quaked as the thundering voices of Lord Zeus and Lady Hera rumbled through Olympus, making its denizens flee to their mortal sanctuaries. The skies around the home of the gods and the sacred animals hid from the couple's communal wrath.

The only one who remained was the subject of the couple's argument. Young Ganymede, cupbearer to the great Lord Zeus, was crouched in front of the royal couple's quarters in naught but the bed linens. He had stayed in the hope that Lady Hera would find it in her heart to send his clothes out after him. With how his Lady Hera had befouled both his and Lord Zeus' names, he doubted he would ever get his clothes back.

During the penchant of his inner musings, the tone of Lady Hera's voice had changed. Young Ganymede was used to the distain and loathing usually directed at him. It seemed as though Lord Zeus had slaked Lady Hera's anger.

As the starry sky could finally be seen from the halls of mighty Olympus, Young Ganymede decided that he had been forgotten and began to make his way back to his own rooms. He jumped as the door to the royal bedchamber opened and his Lord Zeus emerged. The thunder god handed his cupbearer the clothes he had forgotten. Ganymede thanked him humbly and made to hurry away, when Lord Zeus stopped him. "Now Ganymede," The sky lord said. "We never did finish what we started."

XxXxXxXxX

The Lady Hera reached across the royal bed of heaven for her husband as she shook the dusts of sleep from her eyes. Her peacocks squawked at her anger at finding naught but a gilded box where her beloved should have been. The Lady of heaven opened it with trepidation. Inside she found a small, hideous, four-legged creature and a note:

_ My dear Hera,_

_ This is an ass. It reminds me of you._

_ -Zeus._

_ P.S. It's Poseidon's, Hades knows how I ended up with it._

* * *

A/N: So this was supposed to be a birthday present to **_Water_** from **ClosetCase**... but now it's really late... Blame Harry Potter. Well... Happy (late, belated)birfday to our dearest **_Water._** This also goes out to you **TH**, a surprise for you. We all know you can fill in the missing plot points better than anyone.

As to our dearest readers: yeah, we work this way. Lots of love, **ClosetCase**


	5. Chapter 5

The mighty lord Ares awoke with a headache. On any other day where Helios rose, warm and bright in the east, this fact alone would have troubled him. In his current state, it was unfortunately accompanied by a further disturbing fact. Sometime during the previous night's revels and Dionysus' never ending flow of wine, mighty Ares had found his way to and into his mother's bed.

Ares shook the stupor from his mind and pulled the luxuriously scented blankets from his head. Flinching at the strength of bright Helios' rays in his mother's room, he rubbed his eyes casting Hypnos' spell far from himself and slid towards the edge of the bed. A tall shadowy figure loomed over the bed of Queen Hera, blocking part of the streaming daylight as Ares moved to put on his trampling boots.

"Not now, my radiant Aphrodite, not here."

"How very flattering."

Ares closed his eyes, composing himself like a warrior going into battle before looking up at his mother Queen Hera.

"Flattering, comparing the mother whose womb brought you forth, to that amoral, adulterous whore you sleep with."

Ares' thoughts pulled themselves together like a Spartan army. "Dearest mother, your beauty far ascends hers."

Hera "humph'd" as she spun on her delicate heel. She turned back to her son when she reached the door. "That box there." She raised a dainty hand, gesturing to that which rested on her elegant bedside table. "Take it." She left mighty Lord Ares to pull on his clothes and collect his dignity

Ares pulled the box Lady Hera had given him that morning from the recesses of his cloak. He had carried it around diligently, waiting until the appropriate time before basking in his mother's precious gift. Helios had long since passed into the underworld and most of the deathless gods rested deep under Hypnos' spell as mighty Ares paced his room, great trampling boots thundering across his chamber.

Vengeful Hera had given him a gift without explaining its purpose. Maybe it was the leftover wine, maybe the sheer courage he knew accepting a gift from Lady Hera would require, but mighty Ares squared his shoulders and grabbed the box. Inside were a small braying creature and a note:

_Dear Ares,_

_This is an ass. It reminds me of you._

_-Lady Hera_

* * *

A/N: This is our longest chapter to date! Like... ever... Even counting the other story we have... which we still have no rationalization for. Anyway, we're trying not to be too funny. ClosetCase lost a battle with gravity yesterday (NOT THE WAR!) and it pains her to laugh. _Water,_ as acting medic, is worried she'll run out of purple band-aids. The Hufflepuff doesn't find this as amusing as the other two. Perhaps it's because she wasn't there... well, it wasn't as funny at the time... Apparently, ClosetCase made an amusing squeak though before bleeding and requiring the first of the purple band-aids.

_Water_ has suggested a FictionPress account to chronicle our lives; they're sometimes stranger than fiction... Thoughts? We've broken 500 words! Yay! Celebrate with us! Maybe we should let you go... you guys might be important people... with lives... and stuff... You're probably like us, but we won't assume. We're off to listen to our 10.5-hour Broadway/Disney "Thinking" playlist. We can sometimes take a very long time to think.

What are you doing still reading this! Shoo!

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Seriously, shoo.


	6. Chapter 6

The beauteous Aphrodite lay amidst her wine dark sheets. Her husband, lame Hephaestus, had gone to wander among mortals, testing their loyalty to father Zeus. Her and mighty Lord Ares had not been together since Hephaestus caught them and fair Aphrodite was anxious to have someone who could match her fervour in bed.

A fierce knock rang Aphrodite's chambers and great Ares slipped in, barring the door.

"Oh how I have missed you, fair lady." Mighty Ares pulled fair Aphrodite from the sheets, letting them reveal her sheer, glistening robes. He pressed a gentle kiss to her lips as Lady Aphrodite slipped her hands between them. She pulled back, a sultry smile on her coral lips, toying with the golden brooch keeping her shimmering robes together.

"Show me." She whispered, barely heard over the rattling of the door handle.

Mighty Ares blanched and flung himself into the closet as Lord Hephaestus' booming voice shook the room as he unlocked the door.

The closet was dark as the deepest sea and he continually brushed his Lady's robes from his arms. He heard sharp Hephaestus' sultry speech and the thumping of his lame leg as he moved towards his wife.

Mighty Ares slid against the closet wall and sat, dejected on the floor amidst Aphrodite's sandals. The sounds of the couple's rigorous love-making sounded against the closet door, driving forceful Ares into a fury. What would his great mother do?

Fair Aphrodite fixed her hair in her elegant mirror, she smiled softly at the reflection of her cunning husband, still asleep. She opened her closet, hunting for soft sandals to attend to father Zeus. Amidst her stunning sandals was a glistening box, her name emblazoned in golden letters across the top. She picked it up with a dainty hand, clutching her exquisite sandals in the other and sat down again in front of her silvery mirror.

The box, which she'd hoped contained a striking necklace from her husband, contained a stinking, braying creature and a note:

_My fair Lady Aphrodite,_

_You left me in a closet. I was forced to sneak out like Hermes in the night._

_This is an ass, it reminds me of you._

_- Ares_

A/N: What's this? A new chapter? ClosetCase has been murdered by school work and we're attempting some sort of necromantic ceremony to bring her back. Tea and chocolate normally does it. We're all pretty dead, majoring in English seems to do that. ClosetCase accidently mentioned the thought of classics smut, _Water_ can't seem to get it off her mind. We'll put it on our "(Maybe) To Do" list. Any thoughts? ClosetCase loves the idea but may die of laughter before she could ever go through with it.

We would also like to give all of our readers this very special holiday warning: Watch out for thong wearing snow gnomes and Robert Downey Jr. Singing Christmas carols!

... Blame Kermit the frog.

And yet another thing none of us are going to explain. HA!

All the best no matter what you're celebrating. – EmotionCalledBlood

P.S. There might be a few more posts before the big night, and probably one before New Years (ClosetCase is telling herself that), so stay tuned!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: ClosetCase has eaten an entire tin of custard in her guild over her mythological neglect. Now that she is done scraping the inside of her custard can, she has dug out her Homer and has decided to write again!

...

And there was much rejoicing... Maybe... The Romans have invaded her brain and would like very much not to leave until she's had her final exam.

* * *

For once, her husband was right. Fair Aphrodite, who usually chose to take no opinion on the issues of the Pantheon, sided with Lady Hera. Cow-eyed Hera looked on in shock as her most hated enemy chose her side over that of the Thunderer.

Nevertheless, they could not be sided together without interference. Mighty Athena threw down her shield to plead for her father as eloquently as any man. Lord Zeus thundered his approval of his daughter's speech, turning in his glittering throne to discuss it further, his back to his wife and her supporters. Dazzling Aphrodite clutched her husband's arm, her handsome face distorted in a sneer. Athena had caught her out of the corner of her owl-grey eye, smirking in her triumph. Lord Ares stifled great laughter behind a clenched fist.

Sparkling-eyed Athena pulled off her gilded armour, letting her trussed locks fall freely over her shoulders. Her majestic cult in Athens had offered her gloriously embroidered robes early in the day and she longed for the touch of the perfumed linen against her skin. A small brown box had been placed atop the offering, a surprise, perhaps, for her immortal pleasure. The box gave a dreadful shake as she lifted it with her warrior hands. She held no fear for whatever creature lay inside. She opened it.

A small, braying creature was trying to shake what seemed to be a note from its back. She pulled the epistle off the creature, shoving the ordinary box aside. The odour of roses wafted from the gilded parchment bearing Aphrodite's curly script.

_Athena,_

_This was given to me by a consort. It is an ass._

_It reminds me more of you than the one who gave it to me._

_- Aphrodite_

* * *

A/N: So... we've just learned the disturbing fact that all the Hufflepuff knows about Greek mythology is from this and Disney. ClosetCase may have just shut herself down in defence. _Water, _on the other hand, is simply not surprised.


	8. Chapter 8

Owl-eyed Athena held the creature for a fortnight. Even in her endless wisdom, she could not think as to what to do with the braying thing. It was in council with the almighty gods when she was gifted with a plan to rid herself of the thing. The Daughter of Zeus decided it best to not offend any of her immortal companions, instead giving it directly unto her chosen recipient.

Grey-eyed Athena approached the Huntress Artemis after she returned from her Athenian worshippers. "Sister Artemis." Athena deftly held the creature behind herself. She was unsure how the huntress would take the gift. The Lady of the Beasts greeted Athena civilly and continued the upkeep of her weapons.

"I have something for you, sister." Lady Artemis took the beast in silence. "I mean no offense by it, only for you to add it to your protection."

"Thank you sister," The huntress said. "What did you say it was called?"

"It is an ass."

* * *

The Earthshaker returned from his ocean palace to the halls of his almighty brother. His trident crashed against the floors and echoed back through the halls of Olympus. The other denizens hid for fear of his impending wrath.

"Brother!" Poseidon called, "Zeus!"

The Thunderer swept out from behind a pillar, willing to face his brother. "There is no need to frighten half my subjects, brother. What is it you require?"

"Amphitrite wishes to see my creation." The sea god extended his great hand. "I require my ass back."

Mighty Zeus sat back on his golden throne. "I have it not, brother. I have passed it on," The Father of Gods and Men smiled. "With the same message."

Earthshaker hid his laughter behind his hand. "So it is with Sister Hera, I presume?"

"Travel with the wind brother. Good luck."

Poseidon bowed to Olympian Zeus, taking off to find Lady Hera.

* * *

A/N: So we've been separated again but ClosetCase has dug around her library, found her Classics compendium, kicked out the Romans and plunged head-first back into this. She sends many thanks out to The Hufflepuff (if you can believe it) for her accidental help with this chapter. _Water_ is at work (we presume).

On another note, we've reached the half way point in the story as a whole (Yes, there is actually a plot of some sort. Did we surprise you?). Comments on Poseidon chasing the Ass are welcome and appreciated.


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